I’m not really sure why I care so much about certain parts of my life. I used to think that it was a weakness to put in so much effort, but that mentality subsided once I realized that people are going to feel what they feel and there’s no reason beating yourself up over the way you’ve developed.
As a person, I have always looked optimistically at people and their actions… overanalyzing every little thing they do and trying to find some sort of inherent good behind it. I think there was even a point in time where I wrote a paper in middle school on how Jeffrey Dahmer had some decent qualities as a human being, but maybe that was a little extreme. However, growing up has showed me that looking at life through this type of lens creates a really foggy reality that can most definitely hurt you if you look through it too much with the people you care about most.
At some point, I just had to discern the black and white and leave out the grey area in the middle for some issues:
Ex.) My dad was an alcoholic and there was nothing good behind his alcoholism or how he treated his family.
Ex.) My best friend doesn’t put forth as much effort to talk to me, and I should stop making excuses as to why the 20% she’s putting in is enough for me.
I guess my mind was trained to scrutinize so many little details that seeing what was right in front of me became very difficult, and oftentimes it ended up hurting me.
That’s something that I’m trying to change about myself. There’s nothing wrong with having my mentality, but a little bit of both would be the sensible way to approaching everyday situations.
Particularly now, where I feel a little caught between looking at something too positively and maybe not recognizing the bad qualities enough. Do I continue to hope for the best and some sort of tangible change in the future or do I just look at it cynically - which is what I fear most? It’s really hard. Life is just really damn hard sometimes and I wish it was a television show where I could read the synopsis for a season, see what happens, react to the good and the bad, and then read the synopses for the next few seasons to see if the drama clears up.
I just need to be more clear-cut with what I want and recognize that there can be some fantasy to my life with the addition of some cold reality, which isn’t necessarily bad. Even though I’m flawed in this way, I definitely feel like I have a lot to offer and I need to focus my energy on things that will reciprocate my offerings to an extent that won’t make me feel like shit. I think I’m finally starting to do that as I wear my optimism lens less and less. I’m only going to go through the motions of areas in life that I won’t feel like I’m hurting myself in.
I’m not really sure of what I want out of my life right now and if I’m going about it the correct way, and I have never felt that way before.
But the dream during my nap sort of sent me a signal to ride things out in my life and mellow out all of my emotions and concerns. I think I have been doing a pretty good job with that and one of my coworkers said I seem substantially calmer now. That made me pretty happy and yet I still wish I could better grapple my temperament and my thoughts.
I was listening to my favorite song today while I got into a car accident. It was kind of amazing because the adrenaline made everything seem like it was slow-mo, but at the same time, it was also very frightening.
You don’t really think about the little things in life until you’re put on the spot like that, and although I only had a few seconds to really think about it all, I remembered my room back at home, my grandma’s smell, and the bench I always like to sit in when I’m reading… all the good things, all simple. Aspects of life that I never really think about throughout the day because my thoughts are cluttered with other more complicated things.
One day, I will look back at all of it and realize that I won’t always get to see my room, or know the scent of my grandma, or even sit in that bench. People don’t look carefully enough into their lives to appreciate what’s so blatantly in front of them. Instead, we seek the complicated and layered, which at times, only adds to the confusion… and sometimes those things don’t even stay in our lives. We dismiss what we can grasp because we want to know what else is out there or if there’s something better, but often times in that process we just end up losing what we initially had in the first place. And then we realize that’s what we wanted most of all.